Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
