I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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