Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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