two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
