You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
