I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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