he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
