I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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