I am puke
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
