I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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