Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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