My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
