my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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