Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
