so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
