Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
