haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
