I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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