Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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