just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
