Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
