so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize