Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
