There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
