i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
