Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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