the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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