Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
