I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
