What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
