She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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