He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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