AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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