Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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