I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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