Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
