I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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