I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize