he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So apparently I’m into choking now
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