Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hippo gnu deer
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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