Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
