just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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