i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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