Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
