Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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