Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it was like eating out sand paper
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
