I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
