Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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