He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
