I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
