3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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