yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
