Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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