arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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