Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
