I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
