woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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