So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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